Still stranded in this limbo, my life progresses without my full presence and doesn't even seem to notice that I am not attending. I would have an opinion on that, but I would have to check in to do so.
Having fallen so far out of the machine, it is troubling to see the gears in motion. There is no easy means of reentry, it doesn't slow down just to allow one to ease back in. Then there is the question of whether or not one even WANTS back in. No, that isn't a question. One doesn't, there just seems to be no other solution for a person who cannot think quickly enough on her feet to create alternative solutions. Age factors in now, something that was not considered in the wild wanderings of youth. The time spent playing in the field comes to weigh heavily against any future options. Promise squandered turns to certainty of servitude, the longer the machine is ignored the further down one will be relegated.
And there is no one to blame - certainly there have been factors but those are far and away gone. Thumb twiddling has been the largest single contributor to my demise in the possibility of being anything of meaning in this world. It only saddens me because now I have to pick through the rubble of my indecision and try to find something less than humiliating to become, and in this process I am forced to look at all I could have been had I only bothered to try.
Or could be I am fooling myself - maybe there was no promise after all. It would be more comforting to believe that at this point, that the fault lies in genetics and bad breeding rather than in my own innate sloth.
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